impeccable life

scramble thoughts

I havent been honest about every feelings I have. Here. Deep inside my heart. Maybe I should start expressing one by one.
Until this time, im very unsure whether I have made right decision about dating Adam and I don’t know how long will it take to convince myself.
I’m scared of being broken heart again and need to goo through everything just to make myself being independent again. not relying on anyone but myself. He told me just now his mom want him to meet a 15 year old girl. and my heart pumped so fast.
What if? the time comes sooner than i thought. What if? one day we wont be able to talk again like we used to. all the questions scrambled in my brain.
Maybe this time is not right to have a boyfriend or even to think about one. The burden of my study, the nightmare of dissertation. I need someone to tell me what to do. the right thing for now, this exact moment.
and that boy who came from the past out of the blue. that boy made my mind fly away to the moment i was in college. where there was this possibility of dating him, the way we held hands. ah.. but let my imaginations to fly around for a while. after all, it’s just on my mind.
i’m wondering… maybe the teaching in my religion is right for not dating anyone before marriage. since i’ve been thinking… after all the feeling and emotions i have invested in a relationship, after we all know each other so well, after the living-together phase, there would be a break up. and the relationship will vanish afterwards, no more sharing stories. and people who know us best will be gone and they will act like they never knew you. so what will be the point of having go through thick and thin if they won’t be there at the end?